


Realization

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

Xander sat on Buffy's bed, staring at nothing. The slayer was sorting through her clothes, looking for a jacket to wear with her dress.

"Buffy?" 

"Yeah Xander?" 

"Do you think Willow is sleeping with Oz?" 

The shirt Buffy was holding slipped off the hanger, setting it swinging wildly. "What?" 

"She never talks to me anymore except about slaying stuff. We don't tell each other secrets or share our thoughts or" he sighed. "I used to know everything about Willow. Now I couldn't even tell you what she's doing tonight." 

Buffy sat next to him. "I think you're being too hard on yourself." 

"Am I? Ever since the whole Cordelia thing, I don't think she's told me one private thing. If Oz weren't a werewolf, I doubt I'd even have known they were dating." 

"Best friends grow up Xander. You're not little kids anymore." 

"But me and Willowwe weren't supposed to change. We swore we'd be best friends forever." 

"You're still best friends Xander. It's just a different friendship." 

He looked down at his hands. "I miss her Buffy. Even when she's right next to me." 

"Have you tried to talk to her?" 

"And say what? Hey Will, you and the werewolf goin' doggie style?" 

"Make sure you keep that romantic twist to it." Buffy squeezed his hand. "Don't ask about Oz. Unless that's what you're really concerned about. Talk about you and her." 

"Hey guys!" Willow entered the room happily. Seeing Xander and Buffy holding hands, her smile disappeared. "What's up?" 

"Just talking." Xander tightened his hold on Buffy's hand. 

"Oh. Well, Oz is delayed. His van broke down, so I have the day free. I thought, if there are no plans, we could hang together. Just us three." 

"Actually, I have a Mom thing. Museum. Art. Lecture. Scary men in bad suits. Maybe you and Xander"

"No. If he's your date, you should go. Together." She shrugged, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. "Have fun." 

Buffy and Xander stared after her, frozen, as she whirled around and ran down the hall. They stayed that way until the front door slammed shut behind her. 

"Damn." 

"My thought exactly." Xander finally dropped Buffy's hand. "I can't seem to do anything right around her since she found out about me and Cordelia." 

"You have to admit, she found out the worst possible way." 

"Yeah." He stood. "I gotta go find her." He looked out the window at the empty street. "She's my home, ya know?" 

Buffy's heart clenched. "I wish I did." At Xander's look, she shrugged. "I mean, I understand it, I just don't have it." 

"Buff"

"Not that many people do Xander. You guys are really lucky." 

"Yeah." 

"So go." 

"I'm afraid. What if it's gone?" 

"It doesn't disappear Xander. Now go." 

*****

She sat on the swings at the elementary school. She sighed heavily. It seemed like lately, wherever Xander was concerned, all she did was sigh. 

Her world was askew. Xander was dating their lifelong nemesis - the person he'd saved her from all those years ago, she was dating, and everything was perfect. 

Except she wasn't happy. Well, she was. With Oz. Because he was great. He treated her nice, and held her, and kissed her and noticed her. 

But Xander, her best friend, seemed like a stranger now. The tears she'd held back at Buffy's welled up again in her hazel eyes. She pushed against the ground and started swinging. Some days, she wished that she were back in grade school, where there we no vampires or demons or slayers, only the fear that she'd lose another Barbie to Xander's experiments. 

"Hey Will." 

She didn't look up, just kept swinging. "Hi." 

"I've been looking all over for you. Why'd you run out?" 

"I didn't want to intrude." 

"On what?" 

"I don't know Xander. Holding hands. Slayer lust. You noticing any female who isn't me. Any of this ringing a bell?" 

He sat in the swing next to her, hoping this would be easier if he didn't have to look at her. "Look Willow, Buffy and Ithere's nothing there. We're buds. Okay, I'll always think she's"

"Buffy." 

He was relieved to hear the laugh in her voice. "Yeah." 

"And the other part?" 

"I can't quite explain Cordelia. I'm sorry. But Willow, no one will ever replace you in my heart." 

"Am I even there?" 

He looked at her, shocked. "Jesus Will, how can you ask that? We've lived in each other's houses all our lives. I've shared everything with you. Even the stuff you didn't want to hear. You're the only stable thing in this messed up town. And I'm going crazy thinkin' I'm losing you." 

"You're the one who walked away from me!" She jumped off the swing and glared at him. Her voice was tight with anger. "You kissed her. You started this relationship with her." 

"And you haven't moved on? You aren't getting a little action with Oz?" He stood up as well, denying the jealousy in his voice. 

"Oh, so just because I'm happy, I don't have the right to be upset? Fine." She brushed past him and stormed away. 

He ran and caught up with her. Grabbing her arm, he forced her to face him. "What do you want from me?" 

"The truth Xander. That's all I've ever wanted." 

"What? You want me to tell you I love you? I do Will. I always will. Nobody will ever take your place. But you're my friend. My best friend." Tears clogged his voice. "And that means more to me than any hormonal impulse." 

Tears fell down her cheeks. She bit her trembling lower lip. "II've loved you my whole life." 

"And now there's Oz." 

"But he's not you." 

"And she's not you Willow. That's why I still need you in my life. And I feel you're slipping away from me." 

She wiped her eyes. "I never wanted to slip away from you. But I don't know how to be the Willow you need me to be." 

He took her hand and led her over to a small hill. Sitting next to her, he held her hand tightly. "All you ever have to do is be yourself. Sweet, forgiving, beautiful you." 

She picked a blade of grass and started pulling it apart. "I don't know Xander. I want everything to be okay between us, but"

"It started when the assassins came after Buffy. And it escalated into this frenzy of lust and kisses. And I We tried to stop, but every time we did, it just started all over again. And then" he bowed his head, unsure of whether or not to go on. 

"And then?" She asked softly. 

"Then I actually started to like her." 

"In spite of everything." 

"Yeah." 

She nodded. "I actually kind of like her too." 

He took a deep breath, debating if he really wanted to ask the next question, if he really wanted to know. "And you?" 

"Well, we waited. Well, he made us wait until it wasn't about you anymore. Then, he was a werewolf. And then I kissed him." She met his eyes and smiled. "And since then"

He held up his hand. "Give me a warnin' here Will. Am I gonna have to start calling you a woman?" 

"No. Not yet." She blushed prettily, trying to stifle a giggle. "We're taking it slow. He lets me set the pace. And he respects that there's you." 

"Promise me something?" 

"Sure." 

"No more secrets. Even if they're painful or embarrassing? Because I can't imagine anything more painful than not having you in my life. "Cuz it's not much of one without you." 

She was silent for a moment. "You remember our first day of high school?" This time she did giggle. "You grew a foot over the summer and Cordelia came up behind you" she laughed out loud. 

Xander laughed too, imagining Cordelia's voice as she'd come up behind him and hit on him. Remembering the look of pure horror on her face and the laughing fits they'd had for weeks after. When their laughter finally died, he turned to his friend. "Are we okay now Will?" 

She took a deep breath. "I'm always going to be extra protective of you. And it's always going to hurt." 

"Willow"

"But I'll also always love you. And I thing that's adequate compensation." She refused to look at him, but did take his hand. "Yeah. We're okay." 

"You mean it?" 

She met his inquiring gaze. "I mean it. We're the two musketeers, right?" 

"Thanks Will." 

"For what?" 

He gathered her into a tight hug, so she wouldn't see his tears, although he knew she could sense them. "For being you. And for being my friend." 

"Well, we all have our crosses to bear. Buffy's the chosen one, you're dating Cordelia, I'm your best friend" She stopped at the evil glint in his eye. "Xander?" 

"Just for that Rosenburg" he didn't get to finish his threat before she was up and running. He chased after her, following his heart.


End file.
